The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
You were trust falling into bushes
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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