Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
