Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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