I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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