Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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