o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
