in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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