escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
