i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
