my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
