I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
