I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
