She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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