Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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