The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
It's shark week go big or go home
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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