Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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