Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
