don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
