someone threw a dead crab at me
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Edward fifth and chaser hands
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
