I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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