There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
it's great music for shaving your balls
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
