Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
