My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
