I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
