I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
