I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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