I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
