What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
