I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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