I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
