Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
