What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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