Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
