My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I am midnight drunk by noon
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
