sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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