Have you finally orgasmed yet?
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Randomize
