WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
