I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
