Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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