Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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