Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
