I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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