There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
