just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
