My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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