I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Randomize
