I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
