If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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