neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
