how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
This is the high leading the old right now
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Randomize
