You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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